It Was Just a Wish 84-92

“Did you think that the 15 years I stayed away was because I didn’t care? That I wasn’t your friend only because I was only jealous? I didn’t reconnect sooner partially because you let men onto what felt like holy ground to me and come between us and you seemed so happy without me. But it was more than that. At some level, I knew you were my main event and I lost you and I was inconsolable. I had that toxic situation with my ex roommate and was in survival mode and I had moved on with a long-term girlfriend and something relatively normal and secure. And I let myself believe you made up loving me anyway. I knew if I looked at it too closely, I’d remember the good and that was just too painful.

”It’s important that I tell you this because there was so much dysfunction and self-loathing at the  time we split and in our reconnection. For me, there was a deeper truth that sang through it all. In a way, that’s why so much darkness came up. Our psychological adaptations were meeting our connection in a battle to the death. Our adaptions won. And that defeat was like an end for you, even if you kept the guilt and my letters. But not for me obviously. It never felt right to dismiss it, even if I didn't deal with that feeling.

”Even without the cosmic forces at work or the ferocity of the dance that I feel is nothing less than a miracle unique to very, very few people - the truth is that most men are lucky to truly love once, maybe twice in their lives. Everything else is just a rehearsal. “